About four and a half months ago, I auditioned for a part in a musical. I was at a pretty low point in my life and wasn't sure how to get out of my slump. So this post is going to be more diary than anything, but hopefully if anyone is reading this, you can relate in part to me and this part of my life.
As I have gotten older, my self-esteem has gone down hill. The pressure on girls and what they look like is way too intense, and this was true in my case. My mom was always a little chubby as a child, and she feared that her children would go through the same thing she did. And as a good mother, she tried to keep us from feeling the same pain and struggle that she did when she was young. However, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and in my case, the way my mom approached it didn't help me, but it hurt me. Now I need to say that I love my mom, and I'm not writing any of this to say that she is a horrible mother, because she isn't. She is an amazing woman and mother. I'm just explaining my side of things and how I felt about it.
Right around the time I started puberty was when my mom started being a little more involved with how I looked. She started out with telling me that I needed to start sucking in my stomach. Keep in mind that I had always been a very thin child. But as all children do, their stomachs poke out a bit. And while it is cute on a 4 year old, it isn't so becoming on an 11 year old. She would tell me that if I didn't learn to suck in my stomach, she would put me in a corset to suck it in for me. She never had to do that because I learned to suck it in. And as I got older, the comments on my body became more and more intense. She would comment on the size of my thighs, slap me on the bum and tell me that I've been eating good, and would tell me at least once a week about how she was worried about me and my body and about her struggle with her weight when she was my age. (In high school I was 110-115 lbs, which is where doctors said I should be according to my height and age). I was dancing 3-4 times a week, playing soccer at the park with friends, walking around the neighborhoods with friends, gym class 2-3 times every week, etc. But the worry my mom had never dampened.
After years of being told that my body wasn't good enough, I became very insecure. It also didn't help that all of my friends were 5'6"-5'9", really thin, able to tan, and were very well endowed in the breast area. I was 5'3", 110ish lbs, pasty white no matter what, and an a-cup. I was the 'D.U.F.F.' of my friend group. All of my friends would be asked to dances, and I would constantly be left behind. And it just reinforced in my mind that I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough for anyone.
As a dumb high schooler, I decided that there was only one solution. Become anorexic. I tried 3 different times to starve myself to the "perfect" body. The longest I went was two weeks before I cracked and gave up. Even though I am a picky eater, I still like food. And I caved. Which I am now so grateful for.
But high school was the true start of the downfall of my self esteem. I had two boyfriends in high school. One dumped me for a girl that would put out, and the other constantly put me down and basically told me that I wasn't thin enough. In front of all of his friends he told me I looked pregnant. (again I was the weight that nutritionists and doctors said I should be. I did NOT look pregnant). It all just pushed me further down the rabbit hole.
To move a few years later, I had gained a few pounds with the start of college and moving out, breaking up with my boyfriend, the stress of adult life, and losing all of the exercise I got in high school. I wasn't dancing in college and I never got into the habit of going to the gym. So with weight gain, my self worth went down further. And living in Utah, girls get married young. By the time I turned 21, all of my high school and new college friends, except two, were married. Of those two, one was in school in Arizona, and the other had another group of friends that she would hang out with that didn't care for me.
Right before one of my best friends got married, I was talking to her about how sick I was of being single and how I didn't understand why I couldn't get the guys I was dating to stick around, and instead of being the good friend who listens and offers helpful advice, she decided to tell me that I deserve to spend my life alone. I'm still not sure what I did to offend her, but she also decided to tell a group of guys that we were hanging out with that I was scary and vindictive and cruel. (we aren't friends anymore if you are wondering). The words of my best friend pushed me even further down the rabbit hole of self loathing.
Anyway, to get to the part of my audition, I was at my lowest point. I'm not one to share my feelings out loud, so I keep them bottled up which is really not healthy. And the longer they got bottled up, the worse I felt about myself. Then back in February of this year, I saw a message from the YSA singles stake that I belong to. They announced that they were going to put on a production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat. It said that the auditions would be on the Tuesday and Wednesday Feb. 16 and 17, for dancers and narrators. I saw the message on the 14, which was the Sunday right before the auditions. In my mind I told my self that I would just join the ensemble (which you didn't have to audition for) since I wasn't a good enough singer or dancer to get anywhere in my audition.
Now, I am LDS (aka Mormon), and I believe very strongly in the Holy Spirit speaking to us when it is needed. On Monday morning I woke up with this very strong feeling that I needed to audition for the musical as a wife. I dismissed it as nothing and went on with my day. A few hours later I got the feeling again that I needed to audition. As I was about to dismiss it again, I was over come with this sensation of being smacked on the back of the head and had this pop into my head: "get over to your computer, sign up for an audition TOMORROW, pick your song and get ready. Suck it up buttercup and do as I say". So I did. I told myself that if I didn't get the part or a call back that I wouldn't be too disappointed because I didn't even want to audition in the first place. I went to the Tuesday audition, and while my singing wasn't the best it could have been, my dancing was. We were all told that if we were going to get a call back we would find out the following night.
I hadn't heard anything from the production team by eleven that night and felt a bit deflated. I was almost numb. Not happy or sad, just there. But then, as I was settling into bed, the email came saying that I got a call back. I immediately burst into tears. I was so happy that I couldn't stop crying. And that was when I realized how much I needed that confidence boost. I needed that confirmation that I was good enough to be called back. And I did end up getting a dancing part. It wasn't the exact one that I had come to want, but it was still really good.
Through these past four and a half months, I have come to love myself more. I made friends and found some self worth that I forgot that I had. And I had a ton of fun doing it. It is amazing how well God knows us and the struggles we go through. He knew how much I needed to be in the musical, and not just in the musical, but a dancer to boot, and he made sure I made it happen. I am so glad that I listened to the Spirit and auditioned. I have been happier these last few months than I have the past seven years. While it doesn't seem like much, it has been everything to me.
If there is anyone reading this, and if you are down on yourselves, I would advise you to have a prayer in your heart for help. No matter your religion or lack there of, your prayer will be answered. For me I asked for friendship, and I got it in a way that I wasn't expecting. Put yourself out there and listen to the voice deep inside you. Let it guide you, and I promise that it will be worth it. It might take some time and hard work, but in the end, you'll be so so so happy that you did.
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